Between 2006 and 2013 I was in an abusive relationship with my eldest sons dad. Being only 16 when we first got together I knew no different and just dealt with it with the lame excuse of “I love him”. After my son was born in 2011, I stayed with him but finally started to stand up for myself a little, I was a mum and knew I had to protect us both. In 2012 I moved back to my parents with my then 1-year-old. I continued to see him but we eventually split in 2013 after I found him cheating on me. As dramatic as it sounds, I felt like my world had ended. I didn’t even want him after everything he had put me through but it was the rejection that hurt the most.
I moved on and met my current fiancé. At the beginning of our relationship, I argued with him constantly as that was what I was used to, but he wouldn’t give me the reaction which would anger me even more and cause more rows. He taught me what love was and that it was okay to be in a relationship without arguments, he put me back together and I rebuilt myself from everything that my previous relationship had destroyed. We’ve been together 6 and a half years, we've bought a house, had a baby and now we are engaged.
I fell pregnant in February 2018 and we got engaged in June 2018. Life was good and I was on a high every day. I had everything I had ever dreamt of. In November 2018 our son was born via emergency c-section, but after they took Elliot out a vessel under my womb burst and I lost 2 litres of blood meaning I had to have a blood transfusion. They asked my partner to leave the room and said they had 2 minutes to stop the bleeding or I would die.
Thankfully I survived and we went home soon after; I was then on a high for about 3 weeks. Reality then hit me. I was struggling to look after both my baby and my nearly 8-year-old son. The C-section recovery was horrendous and it took so long, and I got an infection which made it even worse. Months passed and I got more down. Although I had everything I wanted in life, I just felt disgusting in myself. I felt fat, ugly, I hated my scar, I thought my partner would leave me, and I kept thinking what if I had died. I thought about suicide but knew I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to feel how I did. I’ve lost 2 and a half stone since January and now I’m dealing with people telling me I’m too thin. Although I’m much happier than I was a few months ago, I now suffer from terrible anxiety. I see a therapist regularly and she works wonders.
So again I just wanted to say thank you for the opportunity. UK Calendar Girls gave me a focus, a distraction and made me realise that despite my mum-tum and C-section scar I am beautiful, I am worthy and I have a whole load of confidence now.
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