My mental health has fluctuated over the years and it never really goes away. I've learnt to take one day at a time and to be patient with myself. It's OK to stay in bed and cry and be by myself, it's also OK not to cry and to stay busy and bombard my week full of activities.
I have a condition called Endometriosis and I'm in pain constantly, there is no cure for this condition even with a full hysterectomy. I have suffered from secondary infertility and have lost 8 babies in 3 years this led me to believe I was a failure as a woman, even with the most beautiful daughter I could ask for, my heart needed more.
My mental health took a turn for the worst in 2017 and 2018 and it got to the point where I just wanted to die. I spent most nights planning my funeral and thought of ways to end my life... I just felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone. I am thankful to the amazing people around me who saw I wasn't myself and took me to get help where I received counselling and medication.
2019 hasn't been an easy year. In the space of 3 months I lost a baby after fertility treatment, my husband left me, I found a lump in my breast and I was made homeless. It was too much to take in and with a little girl looking up at me I knew I couldn't fall again. After the previous two years, I was adamant that I wouldn't get into such a dark place again.
Four months on and I'm still overwhelmed with anxiety which sometimes leaves me a prisoner in my own home, with my bed being my safety net. But I make sure I talk to people, I walk to get fresh air and clear my head, and I look after myself in any way I need. My daughter gives me strength and I am determined more than ever to make this life of mine an adventure and leave a footprint on this earth.
I am worthy, I am not disposable and I am powerful, even if I don't believe it all the time. I am capable of so much more and have learnt that it really is OK to not be OK.
Rock bottom is a perfect foundation to build yourself up again.